Ego Vs Confidence | 6 Tips for cultivating confidence
In this blog post I am going to talk about something that I see so many people struggle with, and that is how to build confidence. More specifically I want to talk about true confidence vs ego; and how to avoid being egotistical, therefore becoming genuinely more confident.
For those of you who think, “well confidence is reserved for those extroverted people in the world but I’m an introvert so that’s why I’m not confident”, think again. While yes being an extrovert helps as, being an extrovert you recharge by being around people, where as introverts generally recharge by being more by themselves. This does not mean you cannot cultivate confidence. Confidence like most things in life is a skill and can be learned and fostered.
Now that that’s out of the way let’s dive into ego vs confidence and how to cultivate true confidence.
Firstly let us identify what ego is?: Ego is defined as “a person's sense of self-esteem or self-importance”, or as someone who thinks too highly of themselves. I find these definition downplay how bad ego actually is and almost makes it seem like something that’s good to have. Who doesn’t want to like themselves, or think highly of themselves???
However confidence is defined as the feeling or belief that one can have faith in, or rely on someone or something. Basically in normal speak it can be defined as the deep rooted belief or trust in an ability, someone, or something.
Confidence and ego get confused in todays culture where people posing in-front of expensive sports cars in suits with a pouty face is deemed as confidence, when it’s really ego at work. We feel like we need to be more like those people, as they are seen as people with high social status and money, and who doesn’t want that. So we try and emulate them subconsciously to the best of our ability, however we lack the actual money and status they have, so the easiest thing to start emulating is their, “confidence”, and manner of speech. This is a nasty side effect of social media which has created a culture of ego and faking everything to be seen as people of value.
Confidence and ego cannot and should not coexist. We therefore need to learn to let go of our ego in order to learn how to really become confident. Ego is not confidence, ego is the easily and more attainable counterfeit of confidence.
Ego says, Ya I can do that, I can do anything, I am the best at ABC, I’m better than that guy, and on and on. When really ego is a crutch for our own insecurity.
It’s easy to see the difference between ego and confidence when you come across it in real life. Ego resists criticism and correction, confidence welcomes it as an opportunity to grow; even if the advice given to them by someone else is common, something you already know, or even wrong, they will not get on a high horse to tell them why they are better.
Ego needs to be loud while confidence speaks for itself. If you take a look at someone who has mastered something, any craft for example, from wood working to drawing etc. the beginners are generally very cocky and are super impressed with what they can do. When those that have mastered their craft do not need to brag about or show their work to others for validation, because they know they are good at their work. It speaks for itself.
Think about those old movies where an old Japanese sword master, moves swiftly and gracefully, his skill speaks for himself. You know he is a master just by observing him. But contrast that to your friend who goes to the gym for 2 weeks and then kept on bragging to you about “his gains”, is insecure. Ego seeks approval from others for whatever you are doing.
Confidence is knowing you have the ability to do it, you do not need others validation to know you can do XYZ effectively. Having said that, confidence is still teachable and open to learn, however confidence does not need praise or validation in order to know they are good. Ego defends yourself to others, if you mess up its not your fault, its the situation, the circumstances or your friend Alex’s fault, not yours, you’re perfect. No, take responsibility, learn from your mistakes and move on. Confident people take full responsibility for their lives. Confidence is formed by doing, ego is formed by mentally pumping yourself up.
So now that we have a clear idea of the differences between confidence and ego, how do we cultivate confidence?
Here are a few quick tips that are easy to implement in your life which should help you to become more confident.
SideNote: Before I delve into the tips on how to become more confident, I need to say that these tips are not going to be the perfect blueprint for everyone because everyone is different. Also you can be doing all these tips and still not be confident if you do not do his one thing… Actively try and become your best self. I touch on this in #3 of the confidence building tips. If your actions are not matching up with the person you want to become, your subconscious is going to know and it will form an inferiority complex to match your inaction. So before reading these tips, I’d advise you to take out a pen and paper and jot down who you want to become, and create your ideal and then, create a system that helps you work towards your ideal life and help you become that ideal self.
Now lets get into the confidence building tips:
#1 Confidence is formed by doing, not just thinking. You become confident in your ability to draw when you draw a lot. So focus on becoming more skilled and competent in the areas you wish to have confidence in.
#2 Confidence is formed by being teachable and open to failure. You will fail, that’s part of life, those who do not fail have not tried. There is a great quote about this that says: the master has failed more than the student is willing to try. Being ok with failure makes it unable to hurt you and will subsequently boost your confidence.
#3 The way you talk to and carry yourself. If you keep internally saying how you suck at everything, your mind will believe you. But if you are kind to yourself and lift yourself up, it builds confidence; but be careful what you say, confidence builds you up it does not break down, that is ego. Also just speaking positively in a mirror does not help you, your actions need to match the words you are saying.
#4 Tonality and voice. How you speak, what you say and how you say it conveys confidence. Do not speed up your sentences if you’re nervous, speak slow and more calmly, it will help you seem more calm and collected. Speak from your diaphragm for a more powerful voice. But do not fake a deep voice, that won’t help.
#5 Realising that everyone is focused on themselves and they do not care about you. When you walk in the mall and wonder what people are thinking about your hair, guess what… Thats exactly what they are thinking about… No, they are thinking about themselves and their own hair. You should not worry about other peoples opinions of you especially people you will never see again.
#6 And most importantly, you are going to die, so live like it. The stoics had a saying called: Memento Mori, which basically means remember death, or remember you will die, and they lived like each day was their last. Think to yourself, if this were the last day you had to live, but you didn’t know, and when you die you get to see that last day again on a TV, and you get to redo it, you wouldn’t care what the passes by think of your hair, etc, you would just live life to the fullest.
So those are my 6 tips on how to cultivate confidence. I hope you found this blog post helpful and if you did be sure to stick around for more blogs to come…
I also made a video about this blog post if you prefer listening online rather than reading, check out my YouTube channel HERE: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCFtbiDVKUb7XD7ru2xVNwpg
Till next time, Bye guys.
